A couple years ago, I stopped by a friend’s house for a drop-off/pick-up of something or other. We ended up visiting for a bit and before I left I asked to use the facilities. Now, please note that we weren’t planning to visit and my friend likely had no inkling that I might use the restroom – no reason to scrub and shine the place. Not that I would expect that anyway. But I also didn’t really expect what I saw.
Yes, the toilet had plainly been neglected for some time, but there was also some very prominent soil. Someone who had used the facilities before me had clearly left their mark on the rear rim of the bowl. And some flies had found it. Like four or five flies – and they were circling. It was the proverbial train wreck – I didn’t want to look but I couldn’t look away. I am like that with dirtiness. (And I don’t think I am the only one since the show How Clean is Your House? held its own for over six years on BBC America.)
At that moment I vowed that, although I had never found a fly in the proximity of my john, I would maintain a toilet so clean that at any moment The Queen herself could stop by and use The Throne. And if I were expecting company, well, you could be assured that our toilet would as welcoming as any seat in the house.
So Saturday night, knowing we were expecting a friend for 8am breakfast on Sunday, and knowing I hadn’t yet cleaned the bathrooms for the week…I broke out the Two-minute Toilet Tidying Technique.
I learned this technique from a woman named Kathy who had been in hotel housekeeping for years. It was about ten years ago while I was an operations intern for Jacob’s Pillow Dance Festival. I earned about .47 cents an hour that summer – a stipend, they called it – and it was one of the best summers ever. Even though, for a short while, I was cleaning the public restrooms. (You see, my boss had to fire a lay about housekeeper that had been hired to work with Kathy for the summer. He left in a rage and my boss, his assistant, the other intern and I were left to assist Kathy until suitable (paid) help could be found – because it is one thing to work in your chosen field for .47 cents an hour, but entirely different to clean public restrooms for that amount.)
For alliteration’s sake I will call this Tan’s Two-minute Toilet Tidying Technique (even though the thanks really go to Kathy):
- Grab a spray bottle of your cleaner of choice and a large rag – large hand towel or small bath towel (something you can use with both hands). Grab your bowl cleaner of choice. Make sure that these “choices” are non-toxic, biodegradable cleaners like Method, 7G, Simple Green, Simple Green Naturals, etc. Note: The Two-minute Toilet Tidying Technique is dependent on not having to spend ten minutes hunting down the above items.
- Apply the bowl cleaner to the bowl. Close the seat and lid.
- Spray the top of the tank, the front of the tank, the top of the lid, bottom of the bowl and the pedestal.
- Take the large rag and lay it across the top of the tank. Use both hands and wipe the top of the tank, the body of the tank, the top of the lid, sides of the bowl and down to the base of the pedestal. Fold the rag in half so you have fresh work surface.
- Open the lid and wipe the inside of it, get the top of the seat then the bottom spraying some more cleaner as the rag dries out. Fold the rag in half so you have fresh work surface.
- Lean the seat and lid up and move on to rim of the porcelain – making sure you get the space between the seat and tank. Note: You may observe as you do this (especially if you live with or have men using the toilet in question) that we have roughly moved from the least dirty to dirtiest part of the toilet. Fold the rag in half again.
- Touch up any dusty or soiled area not yet clean – like around the bolts, the piping between the bowl and trap, the flush handle, the floor around the base, toilet paper holder, etc. Set the rag aside to put it wherever you put your dirty rags.
- Get the toilet brush out for the bowl, scrubbing away any signs of mold, rust or other staining.
- Flush
Voila! A clean, sparkling toilet in two minutes! Now clearly this will not work on a “project” toilet – this cleans up a week or two’s worth of use. But for drop in guests, breakfast company – or even just yourself – this two-minute method will leave your bathroom fresher and more inviting. And since Pumpkin seems to have discovered the toilet and toilet paper this week I foresee many more Two-Minute Tidy Toilets in my near future…
Caught!
"Pumpkin...please don't waste our TP! I think that's all we have..."
"But I'm having fun, Ma!"
The aftermath...
