TanGreen

Source: Micah A. Ponce (flickr)

Keep your good friends a long time.  Make the effort.

This is something I wanted to tell you boys in this series of posts but wasn’t sure how to start off.  During a lecture at William and Mary the lecturer said, “How do you get to know friends?  Over time.  You don’t share the whole story over the first coffee or the first dinner.  That’s too risky.”  That resonated so strongly because I was in this lecture visiting a friend…a friend whose story I had been getting to know for over fifteen years.  My thought in that moment was, “And the story gets bigger.  Our stories get jumbled together.”

When I was a production assistant at the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival, I stayed in the home of a very lovely woman named Jan.  She was invited to the home of a longtime friend to enjoy wine and cheese around the kitchen island with a group of friends who had known each other over twenty years.  She generously included me on the invitation.  The night was so impactful because it was so clear that these longtime friends had lived life’s adventures together and were visibly, tangibly close knit.  They supported each other in a way unique from casual friends or even family.  In that moment and moving forward, I wanted those kinds of relationships on my life.  I was 21. There was no way to know then but I had collected most of my best, longtime friends already.  Over these last nearly 15 years I have gained a few more.  In this way I am truly blessed.

These friends and I haven’t been so fortunate as to spend our everyday lives together and there isn’t a defined “group.”  There are no nights as special and visits as great as those with old friends, though.  It just takes time to get there.  Even in our Vegas home we now have friends whose stories we have been getting to know for five, six, seven years.

I didn’t know who out of all the people I met over time would stick as friends.  It is just one of those things you don’t know until later – and one of those things that is easily taken for granted.  This message to you isn’t about making longtime friends – it isn’t something you can set out to do.  This message is about keeping longtime friends and that you need to value those relationships…even if you don’t know which ones they are for a decade (or two). In that spirit treat your friends well and cling to those with whom your conversation and laughter flows freely, those who are willingly with you through the hard times, those whose decisions and accomplishments you admire and those who don’t bring drama and conflict to your life.

**Welcome to Tan/Green! I started out blogging about trying to be a granola mom in a fast food world. Now I have embarked on a yearlong project sharing lessons with my sons for what I am pretty sure are boys most worrisome years, ages 15-30. **

Source: Jpott (Flickr)

Last night we had a fight.  The three of us.  I wanted you to eat dinner and you did not want to eat a new food, either of you.  So I yelled and you cried and I slammed dishes and you got sullen, both of you.  None of us were our best selves.  And this morning you opened the front door for me when you heard me return from my run, bright eyed and happy to greet me, both of you.

In life there are big fights and there are small fights; there are fights that leave you raw and unsure of a relationship – fights that change the very fabric of a relationship.  Far more though are fights like we had last night.  Small fights.  These are simple clashes of will, annoyances that have reached their peak or even – often – totally unrelated feelings coming to bear in the safe environment of a strong relationship.   In these common small fights know these things:

You may be a yeller (I am) or you may be silent (like your father).  You may say things you regret and you can never take back your words.  If you are a yeller, beware.  You may need to say things that you don’t.  If you are silent, also beware.  Our closest relationships – family, usually – are safe havens for these fights.  On my side we are loud, we yell, we cry, we slam, we make obscene gestures.  We are, after all, Italian.  We forgive.  This leads to more crying and kinder gestures.  This red hot anger flames quickly and passes with grievances aired and emotions reset to zero. We don’t always resolve anything, change our behavior or have a plan to move forward. On your father’s side, there is stoicism, quiet hours, dispassionate talk.  There are Nordic and Northern European roots there.  There is forgiveness, also done quietly.  And all of this is completely valid.

You will fight how you fight – influenced by your parents, friends, media…the weather.  We all mix our reactions up.  We all have good days where we are our best selves even in the face of confrontation reacting to conflict with logic and a plan for resolution (this usually isn’t called a fight at all).  We all have bad days where we overreact to even the smallest perceived conflict avoiding the conversation or exploding.  Around here, we always forgive.  Lots of times we forget.  When your dad and I went to our pre-marriage classes at church one exercise involved talking about your last fight – we had a hard time recalling what that was.  We fight but we move on.

Do not be afraid or embarrassed or too proud to say you are sorry.  Apologize for only what you are sorry for – “I am sorry that we fought” or “I wish I handled my emotions differently” or “I am sorry you are upset.” That word goes a long way.

Be empathetic.  Why was there a fight?  Was it about what it seemed or is there something deeper?  What has your counterpart been experiencing?  Do not sink to ad hominem arguments.  Think about what might actually get through to the other person your point of view and adjust your behavior accordingly.

Consider not fighting.  Let the small things go.  Recognize when you aren’t able to be your best self and “take a lap” instead of engaging.  Don’t fist fight.

Set up a time to talk about the real issue.  Bring notes if you need to; bring solutions that are win-win.

Know above all else that fighting does not change love.  Family and friends – and even co-workers – who love you (or value you in the case of a peer) do not abandon you because if a fight.  A few fights, even.  Many petty fights? Dirty fights? Ugly, drawn-out, repetitive fights?  Drunken fights?  Yes, you lose people that way.  First your peers, then your friends and finally everyone but your mom and dad who will love and need you until we cease to share this Earth with you.

Fight fair. Don’t fist fight (though you should practice your right hook just in case).

**Welcome to Tan/Green! I started out blogging about trying to be a granola mom in a fast food world. Now I have embarked on a yearlong project sharing lessons with my sons for what I am pretty sure are boys most worrisome years, ages 15-30. **

Source: Mr. Ducke (flickr)

Some lessons learned in life are simply more straightforward and less emotional than others.  So let me say this: stay organized.

• You will not waste time.
• You will feel more relaxed.
• You will be more successful in school and work.
• You will create a better impression of yourself.
• You will have pleasant and welcoming living/working/playing spaces (physical, digital and mental!).

I see organization in two halves.  First, there is the physical organization of stuff – important papers, files, household items, tools, and so forth. And then there is mental organization – ability to plan your day, accomplish tasks, show up on time, meet commitments and create long range goals.  Both halves of organization are important and provide tangible benefits.

Let’s start with stuff.  If you have a reasonable amount of stuff then it is easier to keep it organized.   Clutter and excess are currently being shown to add to mental stress because you have to manage your possessions – where do they go? How do they stay maintained? What is required to clean them?  Has this thing become obsolete?  By keeping physical possessions down to those things that you love, bring you joy and are used routinely, you to are on the path to staying organized.  Figure out where an item goes and put it is there, unless it is in use.  This is all there is to keeping things organized and it saves an amazing amount of time and frustration.  Also, it is a common courtesy to put things “where they go” when you are sharing space with family, roommates or coworkers.  

Organizing your thoughts can be trickier.  Though, if you can organize your things you can organize your thoughts and vice versa.  You will develop your own logic and your own way of understanding the world.  Know there is no right or wrong way to organize your thoughts – your goal is to be consistent and logical in your framework.  You like to plan your day in the shower?  Great.  You love “to do” lists…that works!  Whatever it is, your mental system should help you accomplish goals and just get done what has to get done in a day. Flexibility is also important here as when you find yourself working or married you will need to be able to merge your way of understanding and seeing important information with someone else’s way.  (Work, family and love shouldn’t be hard because you see the world differently – the right fit for you will be people and groups that complement your way of thinking and keep both sides engaged, not frustrated.)

Bridging the physical and mental spaces, the world has fully entered into the digital age…digital ideas and digital stuff…and that may well need more organization than anything.  You can be a digital hoarder much easier than a physical one – you will never trip over a Word document the way you will a misplaced book.  And you can record your thoughts in all sorts of formats.  Use the same principles…be consistent and logical in your digital work then store data “where it goes” when it isn’t in use. 

Few of my attributes have served me as well as being organized.  I really do not think I would have been able to earn my college degrees or be promoted in my career as I have without a strong base of staying organized.  Organization makes everything easier and gives you time and mental energy to focus on doing, being, thinking, living more fully.